The Frogs Can Be Explained
by Morninglight
Summary: Part of the Diamondverse. Brytta plans to prank a noble who's insulted her sister and herself; frogs, her nephew Prince Endrin, her hapless husband Duncan and three fellow Wardens are involved, much to King Bhelen and Queen Rica's amusement. Some mildish coarse language... No frogs were harmed in the writing of this story.


Note: Just a little one-shot written because I was in a creative mood. Set in the Diamondverse for those who've been following my fictions; post-Blight. Some humour and politics with a few bits of choice language.

…

Duncan had served in the Grey Wardens for just on thirty years, eighteen of them as Warden-Commander of Ferelden, survived not only a Blight but killing the archdemon, and recently gotten married to a casteless dwarf with the most beautiful green eyes he'd ever seen. There were very few situations, he believed, that he wasn't equipped to handle calmly and without fuss – no matter how bizarre or unlikely.

Walking into the newly refurbished rooms within the royal wing of the Orzammar Palace and discovering his wife, her mabari and five-year-old Prince Endrin Aeducan covered in mud as a half-dozen fat green frogs hopped around the common room was something he wasn't prepared for. And much to his horror, they were discussing plans to import the topsider wildlife into King Bhelen and Queen Rica Aeducan's bed for some minor slight involving bedtimes…

"Do I want to know?" he finally asked as two sets of malachite-green eyes and a pair of big brown ones swung his way, all full of guileless innocence he _knew_ was a load of crock.

"This can be explained," Brytta began, her mezzo-soprano dripping with sweetness and light; by which Duncan knew that she was the instigator of the frog-catching. His wife thought that was a valid response to most minor insults and infractions… Only the Maker and the djinn of the Fade knew where she found the slimy green hoppers.

"Yup," Endrin agreed. "It all began when Mamma wouldn't read me my bedtime story 'cause she said I'm gonna be too big for it."

"And then Bhelen sent Endrin to bed an _hour_ before he had to!" Brytta added, tone outraged. "I mean, I understand boundaries and setting rules, but he needs to be consistent!"

Duncan felt his lips twitching. In being an aunt to Endrin, Brytta was catching up on most of the childhood she'd never had. It was she who always had a fun game or prank for the little prince to play when his parents were busy with their duties; the nug-bladders full of paint set on particularly obnoxious deshyrs' chairs in the Chamber of the Assembly was still discussed six months later – mostly in tones of outrage. Bhelen found it privately hilarious even as he'd sentenced Endrin and Brytta to cleaning the chairs in question…

"An' now they're gettin' another little bed put in my room!" Endrin finished. "I don't wanna share my room!"

Duncan decided not to mention that Queen Rica was pregnant for the third time; Kalah, the little princess, was barely two. If nothing else, the Aeducans were bouncing back with extraordinary fertility courtesy of the Dust Town-born Rica.

He swallowed a pang of regret for the fact he and Brytta would never have a babe of their own. On discovering her infertility, the Duster had been philosophical about it; but Duncan still sometimes wished he'd have a child with her eyes and his skin… They'd have to be content being the indulgent aunt and uncle to Bhelen and Rica's offspring.

"That explains the _why_," he finally responded. "But that doesn't explain the _how._"

Brytta looked horrified. "You… don't know how to catch frogs? I thought every topsider knew that!"

Duncan shrugged eloquently. "I was born in Highever and then spent several years in Val Royeaux before I was orphaned," he explained gently. "I became a Warden at fifteen, remember, _maHábba_?"

Then he nearly winced at the mischievous grin which crossed his wife's lovely little face. "Well, salroka, seeing as we have some frogs here… You're going to learn. Now."

"You're going to insist, aren't you?" Duncan couldn't even begin to understand why she was going to involve him in this prank. It wasn't as if this knowledge was necessary to his duties…

"Yup!" Endrin said cheerfully. "Unca Dunc'n, you gonna be the best frog-catcher… other'n me an' Aunt Brytta of course."

_Dear Maker and the djinn of the Fade have mercy on me,_ he thought fervently as Brytta imperiously patted the ground beside her in a clear command to sit. _What am I getting into?_

…

The redoubtable Duncan, victor of a thousand fights, slayer of an archdemon, and Warden-Commander of the Orzammar Grey Wardens… had met his match in a bullfrog. Brytta couldn't help but grin as her beloved husband tried to catch the creature time and again, only to be foiled by a derisive hop and croak because his big dark fingers couldn't find a decent grip on the slimy green skin.

Endrin, bless his heart, was finding it unfailingly hilarious. The boy spent most of his days cooped up inside the Palace, his few excursions accompanied by a dozen guards… or just a single Brytta when she smuggled him topside for some fresh air and a bit of greenery. Bhelen approved the trips because he felt it gave the child some perspective… and given that Brytta had added a full inch in height and several pounds in muscle while being topside during the Blight, he figured it couldn't hurt the boy and might just make him stronger.

But Endrin had precious little to laugh at unless Brytta provided it… because those bastard deshyrs were forcing Bhelen to assume more tyrannical measures by refusing to work with him as he'd pleaded at the vote for the throne. House Harrowmount still had supporters and there were members of the lesser Houses who considered themselves worthy candidates for the kingship… Stupid morons.

That alone was worth embarrassing the heck out of Duncan for an hour or so. At least he was being a good sport and playing along…

"By the Stone-cursed arseholes of my Ancestors, what is going on here?" Rica blurted from the door. It was times like this she slipped back into her Duster accent.

Duncan looked up sheepishly and replied, "This can be explained…"

"I don't want to know," Rica said decisively. "Endrin, it's bedtime… Brytta, for the love of Gherlen's Heart, can you _please_ find somewhere more appropriate for those… things?"

"Frogs," her sister helpfully explained.

"Wonderful. _Frogs._ They sound like they're named for a member of House Vollney," the Queen observed with only a little sarcasm. Brytta hid a grin as her sister delivered a new target for a prank; nobody screwed with the Brosca women or their men and got away with it.

Lord Froggin Vollney had been observed calling Rica 'a jumped-up Duster whore' and Brytta 'a carta thug too stupid to die in the Deep Roads' while drunk off his ass in Tapster's. Because Brytta had to maintain official neutrality as a Grey Warden, she couldn't kick Froggin's backside around the Proving Grounds for a few minutes… But she could deliver frogs to his bed.

Duncan sighed as Rica bustled the protesting Endrin out. "No," he said firmly. "You will _not_ do this."

Brytta smiled sweetly as she scooped up the six frogs and dropped them into a bag for him to carry. "I know, _hjarta af minn hjarta_: that's why _you're _doing it."

"Oh no, I'm not getting involved in political quarrels," her beloved began, only to be interrupted by Brytta.

"He called me a carta thug too stupid to die in the Deep Roads, Duncan. It's either this or I kill him."

The Warden-Commander's dark eyes blazed with fury. "Give me the damned frogs," he growled. "I'll shove them down his bloody throat."

"No, just sticking them in his bed will be fine," Brytta protested, though she was pleased at the automatic reaction he displayed. Duncan truly was the best thing in her life; she didn't know what she'd done to deserve him, but by the Ancestors she wasn't going to let him get away either.

He smiled, though his eyes were still hard with anger. "Go bathe yourself, _maHábba_. I will be gone for an hour or so."

"Don't take too long, salroka; I'll be in there waiting for you."

It was the quickest she'd seen him move for a while.

…

"…I can't believe you recruited him, Daveth."

The Warden-Commander of Ferelden found himself faced with an incredulous Warden-Commander of Orzammar as he and a couple other Wardens toasted the newest member of their Order. Daveth reminded himself that Duncan had very different recruitment criteria as Junior Warden Leske poured the older man a flagon of Valenta Red and slid it his way. Duncan stopped it from sliding off the stone table reserved for Grey Wardens and lifted it in a salute before drinking appreciatively. His hair and beard were now a solid iron-grey; the heart attack he'd suffered during the Blight had aged him considerably, though he still looked tough as a marsh oak.

"Leske ain't the thug who helped Brytta kill Beraht no more," Daveth assured his former commander cheerfully.

"I'm actually referring to Oghren," Duncan observed dryly as the redheaded dwarf bellowed for another double-flagon of Black Tar Brew. Valenta Red was too 'piss-weak' for the experienced drunkard. "He's a bit… unreliable."

"He's nearly as good a berserker as Cailan," Leske said reassuringly. "And he's a knack for finding and killing intelligent darkspawn."

"Varel told me he was the only recruit who was never knocked out by the Joining," Duncan retorted with a wry smile.

"See? If we can get folks up to his weight in drinkin', we'll have a sure-fire way to keep them alive," Daveth said with a grin.

Duncan watched the Warrior Caste dubiously as he harassed a female waitress. "I'm not sure I'd want recruits with half their brains rotted by alcohol."

"This from the guy who's married to the only woman ever to match the guy drink for drink," Leske pointed out.

The part-Rivaini looked around before leaning in close and murmuring, "She poured every second drink onto the floor."

Leske and Daveth howled with laughter, catching Oghren's attention. "Hey… Duncan!" the berserker bellowed. "Didja hear what Froggin Vollney said about your missus?"

Duncan nodded, dark eyes flashing furiously. "Yes… Which is why I've come to you." He then explained his plan to get frogs into the bed of the offensive Noble Caste… much to the other Wardens' disgust.

"You gettin' old? You oughta kick his arse inta the next life," Daveth told him.

"Sap and a lava flow work even better," Leske advised darkly. He didn't like his best friend getting insulted by a two-bit prick like Froggin.

_He insulted your mate, pack-leader,_ Fluffy pointed out. _He should be killed and fed to the dark ones…_ _Not in that order._

"Nah, he's such a dick he'd poison the darkspawn," Oghren advised. "Now nugs… They can eat anything."

"If we could kill him without consequence, Brytta would have cut him up into cutlets on the Proving Grounds already," Duncan replied wearily.

"Good point," Leske conceded regretfully. "I've got a better idea for the slimy green things though."

The Junior Warden outlined his plan… and Daveth smiled. To quote Cailan… it was _glorious!_

…

"News of the hour: Lord Froggin Vollney humiliated after losing reptile-catching contest in Proving Grounds! Could his recent insult of the Grey Wardens be responsible for the Ancestors withdrawing favour from him?"

Bhelen Aeducan paused, a forkful of tenderly roasted nuglet steak halfway to his mouth, as the news crier made his announcement. Then he lowered the silver fork and looked pointedly at his amber rose as she fed Kalah mashed surface greens; the little princess was unimpressed with the vegetable called spinach and Bhelen couldn't fault her because it tasted awful.

"I had nothing to do with it," Rica protested innocently.

The King of Orzammar eyed his sister-in-law next as she shovelled nug bacon and deepstalker eggs into her mouth to fill the yawning cavern she called her stomach.

"All I did was catch the frogs with Endrin," Brytta replied with her mouth full.

Bhelen _nearly_ skipped Duncan as the older man was _surely_ too old for such a puerile yet highly entertaining prank. But the human's full lips were twitching and his dark eyes glinting with amusement. "This can be explained," he said, making the dwarven King sigh.

"What in the name of the Ancestors brought about _this_ prank?"

Duncan informed Bhelen of what Froggin Vollney had said about their wives in Tapster's Tavern and the Aeducan scion gripped his silver fork so hard it snapped. "I'll see him in the Legion," the King vowed fervently.

"Too much honour," Brytta said, having calmly continued her meal. "Seriously, getting his ass kicked by a bullfrog? It's even more embarrassing than Alistair and the trout-wrestling."

Bhelen sighed. His sister-in-law didn't understand that such insults couldn't be tolerated… She was used to being treated without respect, even now despite being Warden-Second of Orzammar and a member of the royal family. "I'll give him surface exile then. I'm not tolerating this shit being said about my wife."

"At the rate you're exiling nobles, you'll be without an Assembly soon," Duncan observed with a wry twist of his full lips.

"I'd be executing him but Damar Vollney is a fairly reasonable deshyr," Bhelen replied. "You know, Duncan, as a member of the Noble Caste you'd have the right to challenge him."

"If Grey Wardens cut down every stupid bastard who insulted us, we'd lose three-quarters of our recruits before the Joining," Duncan said dryly. "We need to have thick skins, Bhelen."

The King sighed and shook his head. He'd need to contact the First Warden _again_ about establishing the Grey Wardens as a neutral diplomatic and peacekeeping force so they could keep being respected and relevant outside of the Blights. His arrangement with Duncan and Daveth's people was paying high dividends with Orzammar becoming fat off the tithes and trade from topsiders fleeing tyrannical Orlais and conflict-stricken Ferelden. "…Did Daveth give you any clue who's winning the civil war in Ferelden?"

"Aedan and Anora are still holding the north, mostly because everyone's still scared of Fergus' Chasind supporters," Duncan answered with a sigh. "The Orlesians were champing at the bit to get their old province back."

_"Were?"_

"I told Thierry duPond that if Orlais violated Orzammar territory above or below the ground, the First Warden would withdraw the Grey from the Empire and let them enjoy the depredations of the intelligent darkspawn," Duncan informed him wryly.

"Ha!" Bhelen grinned at his brother-in-law before looking thoughtful. "You know, you've never told me the First Warden's name."

"I can't," the human promptly told him. "The First Warden's identity is restricted to the Grey's high command because while we may leave our families behind, it doesn't mean our leader is any less vulnerable to being held hostage by threats to those he cares about."

"We get cut a lot of slack with you guys because Orzammar's the gates to the Deep Roads," Brytta added, having moved onto breakfast pastries. Rica simply listened and made sure the children ate; she'd give Bhelen her thoughts later. "But there's plenty of folk who try to muzzle or leash the Grey for their own use… So yeah, it's part of the political neutrality thing."

Bhelen nodded with another sigh. Duncan and Brytta were unfailing in their explanations of _why_ they couldn't answer all of his questions. The King of Orzammar was honest enough with himself to admit that if they'd trusted him with critical information privy only to the Wardens, he'd use it as a political weapon. His in-laws were better people than he was.

"Can you escort Froggin topside tomorrow?" he finally asked Duncan. "I'm sure you Wardens would like to get a few licks in on the bastard."

"I'll give him to Daveth," Duncan immediately replied. "I… have the feeling Leske wants to have a discussion with Froggin."

"The only time Leske has a conversation with somebody he doesn't like is if he gets to hurt them," Rica said tartly.

"There will be no violence," Duncan protested mildly. "I do believe their little talk will involve frogs… Since _I_ told Froggin that my Ancestors speak through the creatures… and since he'd insulted my wife, he'd have to catch one and apologise or I'd throw him off the Diamond Quarter's highest ledge."

"I thought you said the frog-wrestling contest wasn't your idea?" Brytta told the human.

"It wasn't: it was Leske's. But some Rivaini believe the dead speak through frogs, so…" Duncan smiled briefly.

"Do they?" Bhelen was intrigued; he knew Duncan's mother's people honoured good spirits but he didn't know about the frog thing.

"I don't know… Though that bullfrog I tried to catch reminded me of my maternal grandfather: I'd chase him as a child, but the old man was too fast for me, and he'd laugh at me trying to catch him."

"That frog was definitely laughing at you," Brytta confirmed with a grin. "He let _me_ catch him though."

_"MaHábba_, you have but to smile at a male and look at him with your big green eyes, and you've caught him for life," Duncan responded with a tender smile.

Rica gave Bhelen her patented "I hope you're taking notes" look as she wiped Kalah's mouth; the dwarven King concealed a sigh because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't match the human for whispering sweet romantic nothings to his wife on a regular basis. He'd gotten lucky with 'amber rose'. Comparing his wife to a tender milk-fed nuglet once had gotten his hand whacked with an Orlesian silk-and-lace fan… What was wrong with being compared to something small, cute, soft and pink?

Endrin's little face screwed up in a thoughtful frown. "But she didn't smile at the frogs an' caught them, Unca Dunc'n; she used a net!"

Brytta stopped looking at Duncan like he was a pile of lyrium by a lake of Valenta Red and glared at the prince. "You weren't supposed to tell him that!"

Duncan's eyes narrowed at his wife. "I think, _maHábba_, you and I need to have a little talk."

"Aunty Brytta's in trouble!" Endrin grinned.

"Not as much as you are for wanting to put the frogs in your parents' bed," the auburn-haired woman retorted.

Bhelen tried not to laugh as Endrin stuck his tongue out at his aunt. "Only 'cause you told me about puttin' a frog in Unca Dunc'n's bed when you wasn't married to him!"

He lost the battle when Brytta, acting like the mature Grey Warden she was, stuck her own tongue out and made Duncan burst into laughter. Rica joined him and the royal family of Orzammar, for a brief shining moment in time, forgot about the troubles of the world and acted like the children they all secretly were.

_One day,_ Bhelen vowed as Endrin was sent off to his tutor for the day's lessons, _I will see an Orzammar where my son doesn't need to worry about assassins and my grandchildren can laugh and play just like ordinary children._

It would be a vow he would keep.


End file.
